I Disappoint People Every Day

On October 19, 2017, in BLOG, by brendajohima

Many many years ago (maybe about 24 years?) when I was going through some challenging times, I was chatting with someone that I really admired, and she told me, “Brenda, I disappoint people every day.”

Of course, I was kind of shocked, as I saw this person as a leader, and one of the most inspiring, kind and loving people that I had ever met (I still place them in this category) and I was so honoured to be getting to spend time with them. I was  surprised to hear those words come out of her mouth.

So what? They weren’t perfect? They let people down? That was news for a perfectionist like me way back then.

I never forgot those words. Her words, still 24 years later, rattle gently around my brain. Often. “I disappoint people every day.” I never forgot those words, but I never became free from perfectionism and from wanting not to disappoint people. It’s a way to lose a big chunk of your life, I tell you. (I don’t advise living that way)

What’s the difference now? At 56 years old, I really get it. (I think) In theory.

I kind of got it before in my mind, but not at the depths of my being and not to the magnitude that I do now, especially while in the midst of changing my own life for the better. Currently I’m letting people down left right and centre it seems, disappointing people, scaring people away (apparently), leaving people behind, and more. It’s what I have to do right now … to be ME.

Sometimes when we try to change, that means that some (or a lot of) people leave, especially when you want to make a total transformation of self and of life, which is what I am attempting to courageously do. Sometimes they leave. Sometimes you leave.

Funnily, this person who said those potent words to me way back then, has actually never disappointed me personally, has always been there for me, even if we didn’t speak or write for months or for many years. Telepathically, I know that they always have my best interests at heart. Always. It’s pretty incredible actually, what a spiritual and prayer connection alone can do.

So, here I am now, me, apparently disappointing people daily, as I struggle to find a new Brenda and to create a brand new life. For you out there, I am sorry. It’s never my intent to hurt anybody. (although truthfully I am not very nice to spiders … they cannot ever be in my bedroom, ever) 

So does this happen to you? Has it? How can you disappoint people? Here are some possibilities:

  • people want you to be who you were and to stay there
  • people want what they want from you
  • people want something from you
  • you are changing your life for YOU and not for them
  • their wants don’t match your needs (at this time)
  • you are scaring some people with your changes
  • you are scaring people with your intense emotions
  • maybe you aren’t as (toxically) nice as before? (this is a good thing)
  • other people don’t want to change themselves yet, but as we are mirrors for each other, when they see you changing, it adds pressure
  • people really don’t get you or understand you anymore; they just can’t figure you out
  • people want to hang on to you like glue, they don’t want to let you go
  • you are being a jerk(ess) and a not nice person (it’s a possibility; I hope not knowingly, so avoid this one, and make apologies and amends if appropriate … it’s not OK to hurt people on purpose)
  • some people are control freaks and you are their target. yep. there, I said it.

What to do about it? I mean, what to do about the other people and YOU? What if you are in the midst of big life changes? What IF you are hearing from people that you are disappointing them? What if you know that you are?

  • do what you need to do for YOU and keep on doing it … stay the course
  • be YOU
  • it’s your life, and you have only one chance to make this life a work of art; make it a Picasso or a Stravinsky
  • live your life with as much kindness and compassion, love and care as you can, and that includes not just for others but also for yourself, and sometimes that means that people will be left behind
  • know that some people will feel disappointed, some people will get hurt, some people will be and stay angry at you … sometimes forever … let it go … keep on moving forward … with kindness for all, whenever possible
  • find a technique to help you deal with your OWN emotions so that when you do disappoint people, you don’t quit trying to make the changes you want. For me, I use 5-4-3-2-1-GO! as The 5 Second Rule is that tool for me.

So for now, I disappoint people every day. One day when I am through the muck and out the other side, maybe not so much.

Always Love,
Brenda

standard poodle looking out of french door windows on a rainy day

 

An Old Blog Post in Drafts

On October 18, 2017, in Uncategorized, by brendajohima

I pulled this out of the drafts folder from long long ago, it’s maybe years ago that wrote it? It was time to click publish:

OK. So you go 2 a party. You sit there. You wait. Maybe even stand against a wall, or look out the window, or drink wine or eat cheese and other food. You check your mobile phone, your Twitter feed or pretend to be reading emails. You wait for someone 2 say HI. (Introverts can you relate?) How long do you wait? Or, you walk up and introduce yourself. Say Hi. It’s the same for social media. If you just sit there, follow someone on Twitter for example, and wait and wait and wait for them to click that reciprocating follow button, how long might you wait?

A tip?

Research a few things about them, look up their website, find out something about them, a way to compliment them; maybe an article they wrote, a photo they took?

Then say HI, and … compliment them, congratulate them, notice them, be grateful; whatever it takes to build a relationship right off the bat.

Clicking the follow button is easy.

Connection is why we are here.

 

Vancouver Island RAIN

On October 17, 2017, in BLOG, by brendajohima

‘tis the season.

The beauty of Vancouver Island is a daily “ahhhhh” no matter where you go, no matter the time of year. It truly is a visual paradise.

Fall brings rain. And more rain. And usually, more rain.

What a perfect way to celebrate my love of the abstract, in art and photography.

 

Fall Colors

On October 17, 2017, in BLOG, by brendajohima

Fall brings a color palette rich with life; orange and red and yellow along with a multitude of varied greens, which are a welcomed sight on Vancouver Island in the fall, which can be overwhelmed by gray gray gray.

 

October 17th : 5 Days 5 Seconds 5 Goals

On October 17, 2017, in BLOG, by brendajohima

This is Day 2 of making myself accountable (to myself) for 5 days in a row, using The 5 Second Rule.

I’ll continue on from yesterday with my goals below, and will say that, even though these are tiny goals, putting it out there publicly is scary.

People will judge, and they do, and people may advise you to not do this online in case you fail, or don’t achieve your goals. People may judge your challenges and disabilities, especially when some of the tasks look super easy to do.

(someone already has told me, “I wouldn’t do that” when I let them know that I was posting my 5 goals and challenges per day…they wouldn’t want people to know that they are having a hard time…with anything)

Yet interestingly, putting the hard and scary stuff out there, builds courage and it also sends a message that nobody is perfect; we all struggle with something. As long as I try, other people’s judgements truly mean nothing, except as they say, it says a lot about them. Also, as long as I am posting my outcomes, and hopefully positive change, then it’s all good and helpful in my opinion.

Here we go, Day 2 goals:

  1. Make a call to someone (or issue) difficult to deal with (I have 4 of these on my to do list)
  2. Make a call to someone beautiful and who is effortless to speak with
  3. Get to the swimming pool before 9 AM and swim at least 30 minutes
  4. Call and complete one more phone call on my to do list (I have a LONG list of phone calls that I’ve been avoiding; 4 really unpleasant ones and many that are things that just need to get done)
  5. Revise resume as a first draft
  6. (bonus goal) Get outdoors and make at least one photo and publish online

Yes, I know this isn’t necessary to do The 5 Second Rule in this way, and maybe my approach is too regimented for this week, but it’s my way for this one week, for 5 days in a row. This is also one way for me to get back to writing and blogging.

As you can see, I’ve put a few phone calls on my list. Why? This week, that seems like the hardest thing for me to do and due to the types of calls, they really are necessities that really have to get done.

I know that I can’t be alone as one who stalls (in fear of) making phone calls? Of course I’m not alone in this challenge. Making phone calls can be scary for lots of people.

The 5 Second Rule, as I understand it, was designed in part, to help you get hard stuff done that you don’t really want to do. So if phone calls are it for me right now, let’s get at it! And with no shame.

Always Love,

Brenda

***

I leave you with this:

Here’s what Mel Robbins has to say about the 3rd element of The 5 Second Rule:

“The third element of the 5 Second Rule is that you must push yourself. The Rule is about pushing yourself even when you don’t want to. It’s about taking control of your own life, one push at a time.”

Photo Credit: https://melrobbins.com/five-elements-5-second-rule/

Have a read: Mel Robbins explains The 5 Second Rule and how “You Are Never Going To Feel Like It

“FACT: You are never ever going to feel like it. Ever.”

Update : 4 A.M. October 18th

So how did I do?

Long story short, I once again spent many hours in my car (I live on an Island) getting other tasks done. All of my goals weren’t reached. Hey, I’m all about the truth.

Also, I got called by the news media first thing in the morning, to do an on-camera interview on a local topic, so my entire day was taken up by doing tasks and research for that. In the end, after an entire day of my work on it, the news posted a different story. (the on camera interview never happened) Hey, stuff happens. Onward! The good news? I’ve got a whack of research done for a story that I can now pitch elsewhere, or that they can use at a later date. The topic isn’t going away any time soon.

So I’ve decided, that although this was a brilliant and courageous idea, 5 Days, 5 Seconds, 5 Goals, I’ve got too many other things going on in my personal life right now to commit to making these “reached” goals public. The entire purpose would be to inspire and to help others, not only myself, by actually reaching the 5 daily goals that I set. And if I’m not reaching goals, how will that help you?

So I’ve stopped this at this time, and will give it a go at a later date. (or not)

What have I learned?

This idea still IS a success. Why?

  • It take guts and courage to put anything out there in public where you may fail, and may be judged, yet you do it anyway.
  • I had focus all day long each day, and that focus to achieve, was positive.
  • I’ll still use the 5-4-3-2-1Rule during my days, but without the added pressure of a to do list to complete publicly. The 5 Second Rule works. I love it.
  • (some) Phone calls are hard (impossible) for me. (right now) In time they won’t be.
  • It got me blogging and writing online again. That’s a HUGE success.
  • The truth heals. When we tell the truth to ourselves and to others, we help make the world a better place (even when we don’t succeed as we had wished)
  • I put added pressure on myself by making the hardest things public; painful phone calls. That’s OK. I learned.
  • I achieved some goals on my lists and I had FUN doing it.
  • This got me back into the swimming pool, which I’ve wanted to do for months. I went. I will go again this morning.
  • It got me focused on taking photos every single day and publishing at least one, whether good, perfect, or nowhere near that. It’s all part of the creative process and it all matters
  • Not all phone calls are hard for me. Many calls, I dive right into and thrive. Others, not so much. The calls that are too painful (avoidance+fear+anxiety) to make, are too personal to post online anyway (boundaries)
  • It’s a good way to grow personally, by putting yourself out there publicly online; you learn a lot more about yourself when you succeed or don’t succeed at reaching goals
  • In summary, I will continue to use The 5 Second Rule daily, but maybe not in such a structured way online, and will post to my blog some stories on what and how I did, on occasion, after the fact, but not on a daily schedule.

That’s it! Done. Lessons Learned!

P.S.

Photos I took as part of my daily goal:

 

October 16th : 5 Days 5 Seconds 5 Goals

On October 16, 2017, in 5SecondRule, by brendajohima

Today, October 16th, is Day 1 of making myself accountable with my 5 Days 5 Seconds 5 Goals

Here are my 5+ goals for today and later I will post about how I did:

  1. Make a call to someone (or issue) difficult to deal with (I have 4 of these on my to do list)
  2. Make a call to someone beautiful and who is effortless to speak with
  3. Return microphone that isn’t the right one for me and select something else
  4. Walk dog (that seems simple but when it’s raining so much, I don’t always want to)
  5. Revise resume as a first draft
  6. (bonus goal) Get outdoors and make at least one photo and publish online

WHY are phone calls on my list? Making phone calls has been painful and near impossible on some days in past. I wasn’t always this way. Even phone calls to nice people. I am hoping that 5-4-3-2-1 will help me combat this paralyzing behaviour.

And in case you are suffering in silence too, with anxiety, and haven’t yet discovered The 5 Second Rule, here’s Mel Robbin’s break down of the 5 elements of the 5 Second Rule:

Mel Robbins 5 Second Rule

Anxiety can be managed. I am learning how.

Always Love,
Brenda

brenda johima tweet about the 5 second rule

***

Evening Update : 8:04 P.M.

So how did I do?

Long story short, I spent many hours in my car, traveling down and back up the Island. All of my goals weren’t reached. Hey, I’m all about the truth.

Goals achieved:

3. Yes! Done. Returned the microphone and avoided a total meltdown with a salesman who had every reason for why I should give the microphone more time. No is No. Now I am looking for a new microphone that is more me.

4. Yes! Done. No brainer? Walk the dog? Not always. When it’s pelting down buckets of rain, sometimes it’s hard to get out there. Even the dog didn’t want to go (photos below) but we went! 5-4-3-2-1!

6. Yes, done, took a few photos and posted to Instagram. It’s not about perfection, but making the art no matter what.

So what next?

I’ll transfer goals 1, 2 and 5 to tomorrow and begin again. That’s the great thing about life. We get a chance to try again.

And what did I learn?

No beating self up. Stuff happens. Life happens. Plans change. Fear kicks in harder than before. And on a more humorous note? I’m not sure I recommend making yourself accountable in public! lol. It’s more stressful, but I’m in the midst now and will complete my 5 days.

Next? Try again. And never give up trying.

Good night. ??

Brenda

Tagged with:  

5 Days 5 Seconds 5 Goals

On October 16, 2017, in 5SecondRule, BLOG, by brendajohima

Very early yesterday morning I wrote the most amazing blog post; really amazing. You know when you are totally in the zone?

I had composed a very lengthy (and amazing 🙂 post, with several external links to brilliance elsewhere online and also had embedded a video, all while still propped up in bed as inspiration hit, on my iPhone, using the WordPress app instead of getting up and going to a computer.

I hit publish, and poof! It all disappeared. Yes, not saved as a draft, just poof disappeared … and oh yeah, no back up. I know better, but as I am just starting to blog after years of not writing here, I thought I could get away with a quick post. The Internet Universe had other plans for me apparently.

Lesson learned for self, don’t use WordPress (or the app) only to write. Write first elsewhere, save it, and then copy it to my WordPress blog … and … don’t depend on any iPhone app 100%.

So here I am 24+ hours later, trying to remember what I wrote, which is proving impossible. Of course.

And, I’ll still give it a go. Here’s some of what I wrote about:

I needed some more structure in my life, along with added courage to make some positive changes in my life, so I recently started working with The 5 Second Rule by Mel Robbins. I read everything that I could find on it, watched all videos that I could find, and bought Mel’s book:

The 5 Second Rule

My only regret is that I didn’t find this tool sooner.

As one who lives 24/7 daily with the challenges and disabilities that come with a wicked combination of fibromyalgia, generalized anxiety disorder and P.T.S.D., I very quickly found that The 5 Second Rule is a powerful tool, and when applied, it really can make a huge difference … especially with paralyzing anxiety that stops me from getting things done and from living a full life.

So yesterday morning I put out a tweet :

brenda johima tweet about the 5 second rule

This morning I start. I have made up my own version of what I think will work for me for a few days.

I’ll set 5 tiny goals every day, and use the 5-4-3-2-1 every day, for 5 days in a row, in order to help me succeed in reaching my goals. I will make the goals tiny on purpose … achievable, in order to succeed! I figure that we all do way more than 5 things in a day, so if I set a few of my daily tasks as mini- goals, I will be taking baby steps to move my life forward.

And, I will post it publicly, to make myself accountable to me. (nobody else is reading this anyway 🙂

5-4-3-2-1

By my losing a lengthy and beautifully composed blog post yesterday, what are a few  lessons that I learned, that help me with anxiety and perfectionism and/or if it were viewed as a mistake?

  1. Let It Go. (there are no other options to achieve peace in those situations)
  2. Do the best you can to start again, perfect or not, and as soon as possible.
  3. It wasn’t a mistake, just a BLIP glitch.

So as it is October 16th, now I start my day, with my own, 5 Days, 5 Seconds, 5 Goals … today!

As I don’t remember the entire blog post from yesterday and my writing really isn’t having the same feel behind it as yesterday, I will leave you with another video interview of Mel, by Lewis Howes, which also one part of what inspired me initially to get on this #5SecondRule path.

Thank YOU Mel, I am super grateful for all that you do.

Always Love,
Brenda

The 5 Second Rule to Change Your Life with Mel Robbins and Lewis Howes

Tagged with:  

How Did I Not Know About The 5 Second Rule?

On September 30, 2017, in 5SecondRule, by brendajohima

How on earth had I not found out about The 5-Second Rule until this morning?

As one who lives 24/7 with the challenges of Anxiety daily, this is the first tool that I have found that really gives me HOPE for a brand new future. I start now, today. How about you? Might this work for you?

5-4-3-2-1 !

This is the first of many videos of Mel Robbins that I found, and this is what got me started on a wonderful new path:

Mel Robbins and Tom Bilyeu Interview (The 5 Second Rule)

Oh, and off I go right now to also buy the book!

Always Love,
Brenda

 

Vancouver iPhoneography

On September 28, 2017, in iPhone Art, iPhone Photography, iPhoneography, by brendajohima

I am working (with some paid help) on building a brand new online portfolio of my art, iPhoneography, paintings and photography; a website and separate photography portfolio, actually.

So as I sift through content and thousands of images on external hard drives, I thought I would share a few favourites along the way.

These two images are created in iPhone, as image compilations made while walking the streets in Vancouver. As it is ThrowBackThursday today, I thought it was a great day to share a couple of images from my past work as an iPhoneographer.

Always Love,
Brenda Johima

 

A Fundraising Thank YOU

On October 14, 2015, in BLOG, breast cancer, fundraising, Teddy Johima, by brendajohima

Breast Cancer

December 24th, 2013 I got the news I needed an urgent mammogram and ultrasound, and then breast biopsy, On April 17th, 2014, four days after my 53rd birthday, I received a diagnosis of breast cancer. This is my personal journal. Having now completed surgeries, biopsies, chemotherapy and radiation, I now struggle to piece together a brand new life. I will turn 54 in April 2015, so I have been at this for over one year now. Thank you for being here and for reading about my journey, as I work my way towards wholeness and a full CURE.
Love, Brenda
***
UPDATE:

A Fundraising Thank YOU !

I am HEALTHY and WELL and from the bottom of my heart, I thank you ALL for your fundraising efforts from both online and offline.

Fundraising has now ended. (The $10,000 goal was far exceeded with 2 online fundraising campaigns, as well as offline donations)

You all helped save my life.

Always Love, Brenda

SO much Gratitude and Many Blessings from Dr. T. and Brenda Johima

Update !

Bye-Bye Breast Cancer!

I got GOOD news today (October 14, 2015) at the BC Cancer Agency Vancouver Island (Victoria)

My new oncologist says that as of today she can say “I HAD breast cancer!”

Grateful!

 

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